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MUSKBOX: Well, Look What the Cat Dragged In

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It was the best of times. That says something after a  73-89 season.

It was the best of times. That says something after a 73-89 season.

Well, well, well. We haven’t seen a Muskbox for 280 days. Did Carrie take all that time off to compile a series of questions so poignant, so probing, and so insightful that tales will be told of this being the GREATEST MUSKBOX IN HISTORY?

SPOILERS:

No.

Outside of pitching (because in my opinion pitching has been the Cubs’ strong point and isn’t a need)…

In 2014, the Cubs had the third-worst team National League ERA (3.92), were dead last in complete games (1), gave up the fourth-most hits, third-most earned runs, walked over 500 batters, and had the third-worst ERA+ (98). WE SHOULD FOCUS ON GETTING RUSSELL MARTIN.

It makes you wonder, though, where would the Cubs’ numbers have been if during Spring Training Edwin Jackson were sewn into a burlap sack with Ebola-infected bees?

…what are some potential offseason free-agent signings the Cubs could make? It seems what the Cubs need are veteran players with good on-base talents, low strikeout ratios and clutch hitters. The positions that seem to be the least deep are catcher and outfield. So, what about players such as Russell Martin, Nelson Cruz, Melky Cabrera, Nori Aoki or Brett Gardner? They seem like their at-bat numbers are good and they hit well with runners in scoring position.
— Forrest K., Lead, S.D.

Wait, “at-bat numbers”? You mean, like, the NUMBER of at-bats they take? So, they have a talent for not getting hurt, not drawing walks, and kissing their manager’s ass? Huh.

CARRIE: The Cubs are looking for more depth in the outfield…

Is that why they burned down the entire bleacher section? They’re going to push them back and make Yellon’s season tickets even MORE ridiculous?

CARRIE: …and would like players who possess the qualities you noted.

Confused Joe Maddon

CARRIE: …But they most likely are seeking players who will complement Jorge Soler, Arismendy Alcantara and Chris Coghlan…

I knew it. The Theocracy only brought in Maddon to mold Chris Coghlan.

CARRIE: …and would be willing to accept backup roles. As for catcher, Martin, 32, is on the Cubs’ radar.

Unfortunately, it’s this radar.

Shit, it’s just not as much fun making fun of Cub ineptitude when they’re no longer inept.

CARRIE: Welington Castillo has done well defensively but he didn’t pick up where he left off in the second half of 2013 offensively when he batted .288. Castillo did set a personal high with 13 home runs, but catchers like the Giants’ Buster Posey are rare. Most catchers will tell you their No. 1 priority is the pitcher, not their on-base percentage.

I suspect that’s because most catchers can’t hit. It’s like me telling a girl, “Making money isn’t my No. 1 priority. Believing in myself is.”

CARRIE: Martin is the best catcher among the free-agent candidates, but if you sign him, who are you getting?

Presumably, Russell Martin. Unless you’re Kenny Williams.

CARRIE: Is it the catcher who batted .290 overall and .360 with runners in scoring position this year with the Pirates? Or is it the one who batted .211 with the Yankees in 133 games in 2012?

Or is it Russell Crowe, star of such epic films as Gladiator and Noah? Or is it Russell Brand, who will bring his grating, punk-rock sense of in-your-facedness to the Cub clubhouse? Or is it Keri Russell, former Felicity star who still has a bit of heat on her fastball at 38?

CARRIE: Also, I’ll have to disagree with you that pitching isn’t a need for the Cubs.

Because of the stats I quoted? I totally agree, Carrie!

CARRIE: Pitching is always a need, and the Cubs are definitely in the market for at least one if not two starting pitchers.

Oh, anecdotal bullshit. Never mind.

Is Hunter Pence a possibility for the Cubs next year? I think he would be an ideal veteran for the team. His “100 percent all the time” attitude would be great leadership for the young guys.
— Wayne L., Ottumwa, Iowa

He’s only a possibility if the new bleacher plans don’t include sliding doors.

CARRIE: Yes, Pence is the type of player the Cubs would like to add, but he just finished the first year of a five-year, $90 million contract with the Giants. The answer is no.

That was concise and not remotely confusing.

/checks URL

Interesting.

CARRIE: The addition of Joe Maddon hasn’t changed the Cubs’ plan to acquire veteran players who can help youngsters such as Soler and Alcantara.

Sigh.

CARRIE: “The coaching staff and the manager will never have the same relationship with the players that a peer will,” Cubs general manager Jed Hoyer said. “I think a lot of leadership is the day to day — how a guy prepares, how he maintains his body, how he thinks about the game, the energy he brings. A coach or manager can’t bring that.”

Dusty Baker B.S.

CARRIE: The Cubs would like to add multiple players — a starter, a bench player, a reliever, a starting pitcher — who can provide that leadership.

So, wait, they’re going to add players like Pence, or they’re NOT going to add players like Pence? MY HEAD HASN’T HURT THIS MUCH SINCE FEBRUARY.

CARRIE: “It’s hard to lead 25 guys,” Hoyer said.

Patton

CARRIE: “A Major League team is divided into segments and having someone in each segment who can contribute that kind of leadership is important.”

Human Centipede

The construction around Wrigley Field is making me nervous.

Reasonable reasons for this statement:

  1. She’s terrified of loud noises.
  2. Her grandfather was a union boss who crossed the wrong person and ended up buried in the cornerstone of the Sears Tower.
  3. She’s the douchebag owner of Murphy’s, and the construction is ruining business (oh, how I hope).

What is going to happen to all of the brick pavers around the perimeter of the ballpark that fans paid for?

Oh.

Nothing has been said or written about them so I’m hoping they remain where they’re at. I’m not in favor of destroying the mementos put in place over the years by true blue Cubs fans.
— Doreene C., Chicago

I PROVED MY TRUE-BLUEDNESS BY PAYING $160 FOR A $0.39 BRICK!!!

CARRIE: The brick pavers are being protected and preserved.

Somewhere, a California condor just died.

CARRIE: They may need to be moved but the Cubs plan on providing updates to owners closer to Opening Day. If you have any questions, contact Cubs Fan Services at 773-388-8270. You can follow the Wrigley Field renovation project at wrigleyfield.com.

MEMORANDUM

FROM: Cubs Fan Services
TO: Muskat, Carrie

RE: 11.11.14 Cubs Inbox Article

Fuck you.

Justin Grimm and Neil Ramirez were both starting pitchers in the Minor Leagues.

Can’t argue with that.

Is there any talk about having them stretched out so they could be part of the Cubs rotation?
— Larry A., Seattle

AND BUMP EDWIN JACKSON???

CARRIE: The plan is to keep both Grimm and Ramirez in the bullpen. Grimm, 26, finished ninth in the National League with 73 appearances in his first full season in the big leagues and had a 2.60 ERA after the All-Star break. Ramirez, 25, posted an impressive 1.44 ERA in 50 appearances. They are valuable arms.

Here’s what happens when you take a whole season off your Cubs blog. You find out in November that Justin Grimm not only pitched for the 2014 Cubs, but he pitched a LOT for the 2014 Cubs.

WELCOME BACK, MUSKBOX!!!


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